From the dramatic kiss between Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in “Casablanca” to the innocent first smooch between kids on the playground, kissing is one of the most basic forms of affection humans have. But have you ever thought about what makes a kiss amazing while others flop? Or why the first kiss can make or break a relationship?
Science writer Sheril Kirshenbaum explores those questions and more in her book “The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us.” Kirshenbaum not only looks at how our bodies react to kissing but how our ancestors used to do it and what makes a good kiss.
MyDaily recently caught up with Kirshenbaum to talk about how our sense of smell affects kissing, why we kiss differently than our grandparents and if she became a good kisser at the end of all her research.
I read that it all started with an article you wrote about kissing that took off. What made you even remotely interested in tackling the topic?
I had done, one week before Valentine’s Day three years ago, a very short piece on the science of kissing — just what’s happening in your bodies. And I had no idea what kind of appeal it would have. It took a life of its own. Then scientists were calling me up to organize this big symposium on kissing at this huge academic conference, and the coverage of that was tremendous. All over the world newspapers were picking up coverage of this conference on the science of kissing that a bunch of scientists were doing. So at that point, it seemed like a great topic to marry universal human behavior to describe what science is like and how it works. Ultimately what was really neat was so many scientists were going to get on board and participate in the project.
There are tons of books out there about sex, but why do you think there aren’t as many about kissing?
That’s one of the reasons the book appealed to me so much. There’s hardly anything like it really out there, and it’s pretty amazing when you think this is something all of us do. It’s so relevant and has such huge significance in the relationships we have, and hardly do we talk about it. Yeah, there are a lot of books on sexuality, but I think this does pose a lot of challenges because any sexually charged topic will. Also it’s very difficult on the surface to really figure what kind of science you can use to talk about such an emotional behavior. There are so many different kinds of kisses and so many different types of motivation for engaging in the behavior. And there are scientists who worry about it not being taken seriously and then the difficulty in figuring out the significance of a particular kiss.
When I tackled this in the book, I give the evolutionary reason why humans and other species were kissing and why we immediately evolved this behavior like why we kiss someone on an individual basis. But why do we bother?
When we kiss someone, it’s our ultimate chance to get into someone’s personal space. To sample, taste, touch — all of these clues are suggestive to our bodies and are very powerful ways to figure out important information in terms of whether we’re compatible with someone else or taking things further and pursuing a relationship is a good idea. Or things aren’t right, and you should be looking elsewhere. It’s nature’s ultimate litmus test.
A few studies have been coming out about the correlation between scents and arousal. You also talk about it in the book. What is the link between the whole idea of scent and locking lips?
Our ancestors were really dependent on the sense of smell for recognition in family members and friends, and there are a whole bunch of sniff glands around our noses actually. So there are a lot of anthropologists that think the kiss greeting is something that is part of the sniff greeting where a brush of the nose and off the cheek eventually sort of [was] accompanied by a brush of the lips as well. And we see that countries around the world like the U.S., Europe and parts of South America. It is a social gesture, but it is also a means of acceptance. It signifies a certain level of trust since you’re letting someone get that close to you. And that’s a very different exchange than that very intimate mouth-to-mouth, passionate, sometimes open-mouth kiss, which provides a whole bunch of other information and usually is happening much longer.
And scent is very powerful. Women have been shown to be much more attracted to men with different genetics for immunity than they have, which are an advantage if they reproduce down the line. Their children would have stronger immune systems because of that genetic diversity.
Speaking of different types of kisses, the book talks a lot about long, open-mouth kissing as opposed to the cordial greeting of a peck on the lips or cheek. Is that something that evolved because of culture or is that just our biological makeup talking?
I think kissing is the ultimate example of how nature and nurture work together. So there’s some kind of instinctive drive to kiss, to connect with another individual. And what we see in animals across the animal kingdom, even though we don’t call it kissing, is often a mouth pressing against something as a means to connect — whether it’s for grooming, affection or conflict. But we see so many other species doing it, especially primates. Bonobos suck on each other’s tongues for 12 minutes straight so there’s something very instinctive about the behavior. But at the same time, that’s very much reinforced by culture because there were many different people around the world that didn’t kiss the way we would recognize kissing today. And you have to keep in mind that before we were using mouthwash and toothbrushes, it was probably a pretty different experience for those people. So it became more and more popular as Europeans started exploring the world. And part of my research is also in the history, literature and culture of kissing. I looked at explorers in the 1800s who were going to different parts of the planet and were bringing the kiss with them. I looked at accounts of the behaviors they were doing, which kind of looked like kissing but definitely weren’t kissing based on the way we describe it today because there was a lot of patting and sucking and blowing, but not the familiar mouth-to-mouth variety that is now so popular and almost universal.
With people’s views on sex and affection changing, how has that changed how we view kissing especially compared to parents and grandparents?
It seems to be a behavior that’s becoming more acceptable. It depends on where you are because many parts world still see kissing to be indecent. Many parts of the Middle East and also some parts of Asia won’t kiss in public. Maybe they’ll kiss their children in public, but they won’t kiss a partner in public. In the U.S., I think it has become more common. There was a study in the 1950s by Kinsey where he wrote about people who had open-mouthed kissed. And there was correlation between the open-mouth kiss and the likelihood they had had sex before marriage. So it was definitely not something common as it is today. Part of the reason it’s becoming more acceptable is because of Hollywood, and we see passionate kissing all over in terms of our day-to-day lives.
Why do you think there’s such a difference between how men and women view kissing?
When I was reading the research, it kind of annoyed me because I don’t like gender stereotypes at all. It was saying, “Oh kissing is so significant for women and for men it’s like as a means to an end. And initially in the book, I ask 80 people I knew, which isn’t scientific by any means, but were much more of a variable compared to the college students who were surveyed. And my friends and family were following the same pattern.
So I called evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup from the University of Albany, and he and I talked about reproductive strategies in men and women, and it made a lot more sense. It’s just women have to invest a lot more in a baby and in finding a partner who’s going to stick around and take care of her and a child, unlike the man who can be with another woman almost instantaneously. Women have chemoreception, so we are more attuned to detecting these clues. And thinking of it from that standpoint, it makes sense that women would consciously and subconsciously be working to gather as much information about the other person as she can during the kiss.
To some, kissing seems to be much more of an intimate, or dare I say special, moment — even more so than having sex. Why do you think that is?
I think it’s the most intimate behavior that two people can engage in. It’s totally different from sex itself. It’s really about being in someone’s face, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and there are a lot of associated hormones involved that do deal with attachment, that deal with a bond that’s created. I found it interesting that throughout history, prostitutes have not wanted to kiss their Johns and vice versa. It’s very unusually to be kissing their clients. And when studied, [prostitutes] have said that they needed to keep their personal life separate from their work and be less intimate even though sex can be intimate.
Since men and women seem to want different things when it comes to kissing, how do we even find the right kissing partner? Trial and error?
I think there are a lot of people who could be great to kiss, and there are first kisses that are off because of some factors, like it happens too soon or you are in a place where you’re both uncomfortable or you don’t know each other well enough yet. But I think a couple like that can improve over time. But at the same time, there’s this really strong message throughout researching for the book, stressing that your body and the way you feel with someone is a pretty reliable indicator of whether or not you should be together or if you think won’t work out. Research has shown that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women said that they ended a budding relationship because of a bad first kiss. And other people have said that they kissed someone who was the last person they’d ever be romantic with and it was wonderful.
There have been articles and even message boards that debate whether or not a woman can orgasm from kissing. In your research so far, is there any truth to this?
One book that was very influential for me was Mary Roach’s book, “Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex.” And in that book she talks about the variability in how people orgasm. I think there was one woman in that book who achieved that from brushing her teeth, and it was totally bizarre. So I think there’s a chance that it could happen to some women after prolonged tongue sucking. I don’t think it’s true for most of us, but I think that’s not too far fetched either because there’s a huge emotional connection. And for women, a lot of [orgasm] is in our brains as well as our bodies.
As you explore kissing in the book, you talk more about heterosexual kissing. But with more and more people coming out and experimenting, have you done any research about kissing people of the same gender? Is there something different going on there?
It’s something I was very interested in. But most of the research I was coming across was about men and women being together, and that’s certainly not reflective of the culture at large. In the chapter on hormones, called “Scent of a Man,” they looked at the way people’s hormones were changing from before and after a kiss and they did include same-sex pairs in that research. And I got some intriguing results, but it was too small of a sample size to gather more information and just led to more questions. Also in the chapter, “This is Your Brain on Kissing,” I did include same-sex couples’ images in the study as well as homosexual and heterosexual couples who would go into this brain scanning device. So I really think that’s an area where I would like to see more research. So homosexuality and even female sexuality is sort of something that is starting to percolate into the sciences but I think has a long way to go.
What are your tips on kissing?
It’s not all about the lips. Don’t ignore the rest of the person’s body. If it’s someone you want to form a deeper connection with, take some time to get to know them because if you build that emotional bond it makes the kiss go a lot better. If there’s a way to extend that longing and desire and craving you feel for each other, then when the kiss happens it’ll be even more spectacular.
So after all the research you’ve done, has this made you a better kisser?
I got married in August and had just finished this book, so I had kissing on my mind. But if anything, I’ve become more conscious of what it means and taking the time to do it. I think people let kissing fall by the wayside after their initial relationship catches fire. It sort of wanes over time, and I think it’s really important not to let that happen. In terms of what changes in our bodies, when we kiss someone, there’s this rise of oxytocin that’s called a love hormone that maintains a bond over time. So it makes me think when I say goodbye to my husband in the morning or before I go to sleep.
Published 22 April 2011. Read full article here.